Paradise
by Rhiannon10
Summary: "What's worse, living in hell or being an inch from heaven?" 2xOC, 1x2, angst, songfic, blah.


Title: Paradise  
  
Disclaimer, Claimer and Such: I don't own Gundam Wing or the song.  
  
Notes: ARRRGGHHH!!! I. Hate. School. ::bangs head on desk:: Anyways, this fics been sitting around in by notebook for a while, and I just now remembered I had it. ::looks guilty:: It's my usual angsty beginning, fluffy end, blah blah blah. ::sigh:: Here ya go. Enjoy (to the extent that it's possible, anyways.)  
  
Notes for the notes: Ok, well since that was kinda me bitching (damn, now I'm gonna have to rate it higher for the notes), uhm, this is 2xOC, 1x2x1, abuse, cutting, suicide considerations. . . usual angst warnings. Oh, and I play The Pronoun Game (it's loads of fun!) with the song. Ok, that's it. Really.  
  
//Once upon a year gone by  
  
He saw himself give in  
  
Every time he closed his eyes he saw what could have been//  
  
~It's our one year anniversary,~ Duo thought. ~Wonder who he's spending it with?~ Duo walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. ~Why the hell don't I leave?~ He looked at the clock. ~I could be packed and gone before he got home. . .~ Duo sighed and shook his head. He knew why he didn't leave. He was scared, he still half-believed he loved Connor, and in the deepest part of his soul, he knew he deserved this. Duo closed his eyes. ~Not good enough. . . Not for Connor, not for him. . .~ He could feel tears pricking at his eyes. ~Heero. I could've gone with you, to L1. But I was in love with you, and I knew you didn't love me, and I couldn't be that close to you and have you so out of reach.~ Duo opened his eyes. "What's worse, living in hell or being an inch from heaven?"  
  
//Well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds  
  
When covers tucked in tight  
  
Funny when the bottom drops how he forgets to fight. . .to fight//  
  
Duo sat on the bed, watching the blood well up from the cuts in his arm. ~It doesn't hurt anymore,~ he mused absently. His arms and chest were a mess of scars from the past year and a half. He cut himself for hundreds of reasons: memories of two wars that still haunted him, the loneliness of never seeing the other pilots, Connor's mental and physical abuse, his love for Heero. Duo stood, letting the blood run down his arm to pool in his cupped hand. He walked carefully to the bathroom and showered, letting the hot water wash away the blood. He didn't look at his reflection as he pulled on boxers and a T-shirt. He didn't want to see the bruise from earlier that day. Three years ago, when the war had ended, no one would've been able to touch him without risking a broken hand. Now. . he could barely fend off the worst of the physical blows.  
  
Never mind the verbal ones.  
  
//And it's one more day in paradise  
  
One more day in paradise//  
  
The door banged open as Duo finished braiding his hair. He walked into the living room, noting that Connor was wearing a different shirt from the one he left in. "Where were you?" Duo asked quietly. Connor glared and walked slowly towards him. He grabbed Duo's shoulders hard enough to bruise. "What does it matter?" he hissed, and Duo could smell the alcohol on his breath. Connor tightened his hold, then threw Duo across the room. He landed hard, cracking his head on the doorframe. "I was with somebody better than you," Connor said, aiming a kick at Duo's stomach. He curled up fast and took the kick with his forearms, causing the cuts to open up again. "And I'm not staying now," he continued. "Just needed a new shirt and some cash." Duo winced as he sat up carefully, willing himself not to black out. Connor walked past, grabbing money from Duo's wallet. He dropped it on the floor next to Duo and leered at him. "Whores ain't cheap." The door slammed and Duo slumped over, cradling his bloody arm. ~Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. . .~ //As darkness quickly steals the light that shined within his eyes  
  
He slowly swallows all his fear and soothes his mind with lies//  
  
Duo stumbled into the bathroom. He bandaged his arm quickly and put away the gauze. As he closed the medicine cabinet mirror, he caught sight of his reflection. He forced himself to look. His hair was still slicked back in a braid, his long bangs covering the cut on his forehead. Duo touched it gingerly, then winced and dropped his hand. His once-bright violet eyes were dull, with the look of one who's held back tears so often he'd forgotten how to cry. A reddish-purple bruise marred one side of his face. He swallowed hard and looked his reflection in the eye. "You deserve it," he said. "You're not good enough to be loved or cared about."  
  
//Well all he wants and all he needs are reasons to survive  
  
A day in which the sun will take his artificial light. . .his light//  
  
Duo looked down at the razors on the sink. ~It'd be so easy. . . what do I have to live for?~ Duo picked up one and studied the edge. ~So easy.~ He looked at himself in the mirror and saw Heero's reflection in the mirror behind him. He gasped and spun around, only to see empty space. Duo sank to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest. He buried his face in his arms and sat there silently. He looked up suddenly, his eyes reflecting the light oddly, so that they appeared black. He stood, walked into the bedroom and packed a small backpack with a few belongings- clothes, hairbrush and hair ties, his photo album. He grabbed his wallet from the floor and pulled on a pair of jeans and his black leather jacket. Pulling on his black baseball cap, he climbed out the window and onto the fire escape. Five floors down, he jumped to the ground. ~I'll go back to Earth,~ he thought as he emptied his bank account. ~It'll be nice to see the sun again.~  
  
//And it's one more day in paradise  
  
One more day in paradise  
  
It's one more day in paradise  
  
One last chance to feel alright. . . alright//  
  
Duo wandered down a street in New York. He'd been on Earth a week. One week of freedom, and he was still looking over his shoulder. As he turned a corner, someone slammed into him. "Sorry," Duo muttered. The man who ran into him whirled around and grabbed his arm. Duo pulled out his gun and had it against the other's head before he saw who it was. "Heero!" He lowered the weapon and grinned sheepishly at him. "You're a bit skittish," Heero observed. Duo shrugged and put his weapon away. "I thought you were on L1, man! What're you doing here?" Heero sighed. "I got moved here with the Preventers." "So you did end up working with them," Duo said somewhat triumphantly. Heero nodded. "Why didn't you? No one's heard from you in a year, Duo. What's been going on?"  
  
//Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out  
  
Don't pretend to hold it in just push it out  
  
Don't you try to hold it in just let it out  
  
Don't you try to hold it in, you hold it in//  
  
~God, what do I tell him?~ "It's a long story," Duo said. Heero shrugged and grabbed Duo's arm again. "I've got time." He hauled Duo over to a park and sat on the bench. Duo sat down as well. He remained silent as Heero's gaze on became almost painful. "Duo. . .you were going to tell me why you haven't spoken to anyone in the past year," Heero said. Duo shook his head and put his elbows on his knees, resting his forehead on his palms. As he did, his jacket slid down his forearms, revealing bandages on wrist, scars on the other. "You want to know what I've been doing the past year?" Duo kept his eyes down. "I've been living in hell, Heero. I met a guy on L2. He seemed great at first. Then he started doing this sort of thing-" he traced the still-visible bruise on his cheek, "-and life stopped being so great. He didn't care about my wars, my memories. . . the night I left was our first anniversary." Duo's voice was bitter. "He spent it with a couple of prostitutes." He shook his head. "Thing is, I deserved it. I'm not good enough. . . just another 20-year-old ex-soldier with more problems than anyone wants to deal with." Self-hatred was evident in his voice as he lifted his head to look at Heero. "I was going to kill myself that night. I didn't have anything to live for. . . still don't, really." "What stopped you?" Heero asked carefully. "You," Duo said, and laughed. It wasn't happy, though. "I thought I saw you behind me, and I remembered. . ." "Remembered what?" Heero asked after a minute's silence. ~An inch from heaven. . . No, I can't tell him! He-he doesn't love me, he can't. . .I'm too bloody fucked up. . .~ "Nothing," he said. Heero glared at him. "You're lying." Duo sighed and looked away. ~Oh, hell with it. I'll tell him, and maybe he'll kill me so I won't have to do it myself.~ "I remembered that I loved you, once. That I still do."  
  
//And it's one more day in paradise  
  
One more day in paradise//  
  
"You bastard!" Connor screamed, hitting Duo. He stumbled, unwilling to let himself fall over. "You leave, then come back here expecting me NOT to kill you! You're dead, Duo! And no one will care when you're gone. . ." He slammed Duo into the brick fireplace, and Duo's vision went black-  
  
Duo jerked awake, breathing hard. He looked around his bedroom and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You ok?" Heero asked sleepily, rolling over and blinking at him. Duo swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," he replied, his voice shaky. Heero regarded him for a moment. "Liar," he decided. "You have a nightmare?" he asked. Duo nodded. "About what?" Heero asked, propping himself up one elbow. Duo half smiled. "Just about what could have been," he said, pulling Heero towards him and kissing him. "Ai shiteru," Heero murmured and he pulled back, settling his head on Duo's chest. Duo brushed his hand over his love's hair. "I love you too, Heero," he said. He glanced at the clock and smiled. 12:03 am. "Happy anniversary, koibito," he murmured as he drifted back to sleep.  
  
//Once upon a year gone by  
  
He saw himself give in  
  
Every time he closed his eyes he saw what could have been//  
  
Awww. Aren't they kawaii? ::glomps them both:: Anyway, make an authoress and her insecure muse happy and review. 


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